Emotional Healing: How to Speed it Up
Many times when we go through a very emotional phase in our life as a child or adult we adopt mechanisms that protects us from feeling the pain.
When children go through trauma many times those memories are blocked by the natural influx of fresh information. Their developing brains cannot handle the old data and the new data because of it’s growing rate.
As adults, we don’t have this issue however we tend to attempt to bury the pain through ingesting drugs (legal and not legal), alcohol or saving the memories and then using it against another person (sometimes intentionally many times not intentionally).
We see this repeatedly in couples that get marry to a new spouse after ending a bad marriage. Many ex=spouses engaging in new relationships carry the pain and hurt from past relationships in their new partnerships, causing unnecessary tension and issues with the new innocent party.
One of the recommendations is dealing with the pain through individual therapy. Also remaining open to the possibility that it is us causing the problems and taking responsibility for any hurt we are causing to our new partner.
The worst thing we can do is act like everything is ok and just attempt to bury the pain under the rug, until it shows it’s ugly head again.
For example, a nice man in it’s late 40’s remarries a younger woman who occasionally needs to travel for business. Their relationship is pretty great until the topic of her need to travel for business comes up. As the time approaches he gets more tense, stops talking to everyone at home, pretty much locks himself in their bedroom evening until the next morning when he goes to work.
He feels threatened and fearful of losing his new wife but he is terrified. Why? Looking at his past marriage we find out that his previous wife was a nurse and worked the evening shift. They spent many hours separately. He took care of their children while she worked and when she came home he went to work.
Their conflicting work schedules most likely caused the drift in their marriage. He felt abandoned and alone.
Unfortunately his new wife’s travel needs triggers the fears and pain from his past relationship and creates a whole new set of issues in his current marriage.
The new wife is placed in a difficult position where she has to choose between his emotional well being and her career. Until he is able to address this issue and heal from it, she is stuck in the turmoil of his past.
The best way to heal from this type of trauma is by facing it head on. Talking about it may turn a difficult task but it’s absolutely necessary. Finding a couple therapist may also be helpful and speed up the healing process.
Unfortunately if issues are not addressed and improved divorce may be the final destination.